Is your spouse distant? Depressed? Are you worried your husband or wife is having an affair?
It is important to know the clues and be on the lookout for signs that your husband or wife wants to leave you.
This article outlines 15 signs your marriage will end in divorce. Here is how to tell if your husband or wants divorce or signs your wife wants to leave you and what you should do if you spot some of the signs:
What are the first signs of divorce
1. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck
3. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you
4. General contempt and disrespect
7. Using assets or credit in ways you hadn’t discussed
8. Intercept of financial or legal documents
9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing
12. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home
Other changes in behavior that could be signs of divorce
13. They suddenly focus on their appearance
14. Sudden interest in the kids
15. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails. Or: You catch them cheating
Bottom line: What to do if you see signs your spouse is planning to leave
What are the first signs of divorce?
It’s important to pay attention to your partner but also take note of how you feel and act. There are always signs leading up to a decision to divorce.
“When you see the sign, then you must identify what you want,” says Marley Howard, a Licensed Family and Marriage Therapist based in San Francisco. “For example, you want to be in a relationship, or you want to leave. Once you find your answer, then communicate.”
Howard, who is also an expert contributor to PsycheMag.com, a website dedicated to connecting people with mental and physical health professionals, says that married couples should try to communicate without hostility.
“You must discuss with your partner what you want, why they want to leave, and if there is any valid reason to consider, and you must mutually decide how to proceed,” she says.
So, if you are seeing one of the following signs in your partner, it may be time to talk to each other about what you want for the future of your relationship:
1. Sex stops, or sex starts to suck
If you’re still having sex, but the other partner stops caring about your pleasure, or intimate connection, they are checked out emotionally, and a divorce may be next.
“When one of the partners in a marriage stops putting effort into sex, it can signal a lack of interest and willingness to be connected to the other partner,” says Callisto Adams, Ph.D.. “It’s a subconscious way of sabotaging the relationship.”
Adams is a member of the American Association of Sexualty Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), has a CME certification from the Harvard Medical School Treating Couples course, and is the founder of HeTexted, a relationship and dating blog.
She says that the lack of sexual effort shows a sense of surrender to the self-destruction of the marital connection.“In a way, your partner is choosing to let things fall apart instead of trying to work things out with you,” she says.
What to do now: Pray. Focus on your own wellbeing. They're done.
Read more about the research on sexless marriages and divorce, and other common causes of divorce.
2. They stop arguing with you
If you’ve been bickering (or screaming) for years about certain issues, and they suddenly stop, they may very well have thrown in the towel.
“Most humans act out behaviorally because we lack the words to discuss what we want and need,” David Helfland, Psy.D. “Children do this all of the time.”
As a licensed psychologist specializing in couple therapy retreats, neurofeedback and brain mapping, he says that the difference between an adult tantrum and a child tantrum is that adults have more financial means and the ability to act independently.
“If a child could throw a tantrum by leaving the house, flying to Vegas, and getting drunk, they most definitely would,” he says.
Helfland suggests that signs such as tantrums or even lack of care show that the marriage is in trouble and hopefully can be repaired with professional help. They don't mean a divorce is certain.
What to do now: Get online therapy for yourself. Read about my experience with BetterHelp for therapy.
3. He or she spends more time with their own friends or family members than before — and less with you
You may have been your husband or wife’s primary comfort and friend, but now you have been replaced with other people (or a lover, for that matter).
Caleb Birkhoff, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a private practice in San Francisco, says that some partners may feel frustration or dread at the thought of spending more time together.
“A change in job, schedule, or a blending of activity/responsibilities isn’t welcomed with enthusiasm and excitement,” he says.
Birkfhoff says that if each partner becomes accustomed to having their own time, the idea of giving that time to the other person becomes unbearable.
What to do now: Shore up your support system.
4. General contempt and disrespect
If your spouse overall is rude, dismissive and annoyed by you, they may be emotionally done beyond repair.
5. Your husband becomes evasive or stops caring about future plans, whether planning vacations, holidays, home repairs — all now irrelevant because they are out of there
Family therapist Lauren Cook-McKay from Manchester, Conn., says marriage is a commitment, and having a shared vision of the future is a foundational element of a lasting relationship. The vision provides structure and stability and shows that you’re willing to grow with each other and stay together despite challenges.
“A spouse who doesn’t care about your plans, be it a minor home repair or a
vacation with your kids, is losing that commitment,” she says. “It shows that they
don’t want to spend time with you, and hanging out with you feels like a
chore.”
She suggests working things out with compromise and conversation. And to try to do activities you both enjoy. If you involve your spouse in planning or let them lead the way, it could reignite the spark you once had.
However, if your partner is not open to any of these things, it could be a sign that they are ready to end the relationship.
What to do now: Find a divorce lawyer. Many attorneys offer free phone consultations. Find someone who promotes collaborative divorce or mediation, when appropriate.
Learn more about the pros and cons of amicable and uncontested divorce, and see if you qualify for an online divorce:
DivorceNet offers a free 30-minute divorce mediation consultation.
Financial signs of divorce
6. They are suddenly interested in the family finances, after leaving the money management to the other spouse
From the Wall Street Journal:
“Michael Stutman, past president of the New York state chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says one red flag could come from the spouse who shows new interest in credit-card offers. The spouse could be trying to build up credit in his or her name or be concerned about maintaining access to liquidity during the divorce, he says.”
What to do now: Research all your accounts, collect documents for bank, savings, investments, real estate, debt, loans. Open accounts in your own name to build and maintain credit.
7. Using assets or credit in ways you hadn’t discussed
Say, taking out large sums from a home equity line, unusually high spending on a joint credit card (or worse, one in the other spouse’s name), or withdrawal from investment accounts.
The opening of new accounts or credit cards in their name only is another sign. Or, unusually large cash withdrawals from accounts is another red flag, as is if a spouse stops contributing to investment accounts (because those funds may be stashed away as an exit strategy instead).
What to do now: Shit is now serious. Retain an attorney and move to freeze accounts. Half of this money is likely yours. Keep lots of records.
8. Intercept of financial or legal documents
For example, if tax or investment documents were always mailed to both of you, and suddenly they stopped, your spouse may have signed up to receive them electronically — or snagged them from the USPS, or change account passwords without telling you.
What to do now: Educate yourself about investing and saving if you feel behind. Read: How to start investing to build wealth
9. Lots of talk about how poorly their business is doing
He or she might be planting notions that he has fewer assets and income than in actuality.
What to do now: Focus on your own earning.
If you are under-employed, start searching for a new job or side gig. Read: Top jobs for single moms
Assume you are entitled to alimony as a stay-at-home mom — or terrified you have to pay it? Educate yourself about alimony law, and also understand the negatives of relying on alimony income from an ex.
Also, as women become more successful, more and more moms are paying child support and alimony.
10. Refusal of a stay-at-home parent to get a job, or a lesser-earning spouse to take a higher-paying position
She may be ensuring higher child support or spousal maintenance.
What to do now: Call that lawyer.
11. On the flip side, a spouse may turn down a promotion or overtime to lessen their financial responsibility post-breakup
The less income they report now, the less they have to pay in child support or alimony.
12. You might find strange documents about apartments, or relocation offers around your home
They are looking for a new place to live.
What to do now: Read How is property divided in a divorce and who gets the house?
Other changes in behavior that could be signs of divorce
13. They suddenly focus on their appearance
This might include plastic surgery, major weight-loss, or a new wardrobe. All may be signs of a new lease on life — without you.
What to do now: They are spending frivolously on their future. You need to secure yourself financially. Sock away all the cash you can in an online savings account in your name only. Make sure you have life insurance policies for both of you, as well as estate plans.
Should wives stay thin for their husbands?
14. Sudden interest in the kids
If they are thinking of leaving, and want to make sure they secure their share of custody time with the children, they show uncharacteristic interest in sports, religious, school and other activities, as well as ensure the children spend lots of time with their side of the family.
What to do now: Embrace a 50-50 custody arrangement. You’ll thank me later, no matter how scary or sad that may seem now.
15. They act secretive about their phone messages, texts, mail, and emails. Or: You catch them cheating
There may be an affair at play, or they may be waiting for a call from their lawyer, accountant, real estate agent, or spending time researching alimony law.
Bottom line: What to do if you see signs your spouse is planning to leave
Seeing one or more of these signs? Or maybe your spouse has even gone so far as to file for divorce behind your back.
When one spouse files for divorce, the other can feel blindsided —until weeks and months later, they look back and see all the red flags they were missing, or ignoring, or repeatedly turned down for sex. For years.
In my case, my ex-threatened to leave for months. I was pregnant, and couldn’t believe it — until he left his wedding ring on a shelf where he knew I’d see it. No subtlety there!
“There are often many indications of a pending divorce, but people don’t want to see them or acknowledge that their marriage may be in danger,” says Gretchen Cliburn, a financial planner and certified divorce financial analyst in Springfield, Mo., in Wall Street Journal.
Next steps:
1. If your spouse hasn’t filed yet, read: How to leave your husband or wife or How to ask for a divorce
2. If your spouse has filed for divorce, read What to ask for in a divorce to prepare for divorce negotiations and get through this as quickly as possible. Read up on the why and How to divorce like a feminist.
3. Prepare for life as a co-parent: All about healthy co-parenting for the rest of your life
4. Take time to get your finances in order.
Sell the engagement ring for $$
5. Finally, you get a chance to start over after divorce and a one-year pass to be a hot mess.
My fiancee is in love with another woman. Should I marry him? Help
Suddenly comes into an inheritance: Pays off a condo in full then tries to talk you into selling your primary house and the condo, just paid off in order to go finance a much larger, luxury home. That home of course, used all of the liquidity from the condo and your primary home, yet still will owe more than $200,000 on that new, big house. So, divorce papers arrive later and you have been a volunteer, stay at home spouse and HE GETS ALL OF THAT ASSET (luxury home) as only he will be able to retain the mortgage (seen as credit worthy, etc by mortgage company). You will have lost your 50% that should have been yours from sale of vacation condo AND percentage of that older Primary house. YOU ARE SCREWED, and he’s off with all that Liquidity in a luxury house with a new Babe, and you are nothing after a 34 year marriage. Welcome to living with a Narc.
mouth open. jaw dropped.
Ok this is to the wifes all over the world. Your marriage is to your husband. The only guy u too valves with decanting your life to him first. U HAVE A LICENSE TO PROVE THAT.!!! My wife after 9 years still cares for her family. Still wants to be there for them. I get no attention from her. I BEN GETTING NO SUPPORT FROM HER ALL THESE YEARS. AND STILL THE SAM NOW. When i talk to her about it she turns the other way and takes off from me. Now she wants to keep everything we have. BUT F**K THAT IAM TAKING MY RIDES AND TOOLS. I NEED FOR WORK. O AND CLOTHES. If your one of these women than keep your but on the phones and street to get love and not find. ! !
The picked an argument that I was in a super store to long and I bought more than HE thought I was going to. Mind you I shop for my elderly dad too. Husband chose to wait in the vehicle. Threw a fit then says I think we need to separate.That Tells me he was finding fault to be able to say that.